Anxiety

It's firework season and that means lots of loud noises day and night. I’m fine with that most of the time. However, last night some neighbors decided that lighting fireworks on and off from 9 pm to midnight was the best use of their time. I am a light sleeper even at the best of times. Every time I was on the edge of sleeping another would go off. Even with my anti-anxiety medication, I was panicky and anxious.

Sleep is one thing that I have long been super anxious about. I’m not sure how to get past it. I have always worried about not sleeping, and then of course, I can’t sleep. With lupus, my body’s reaction to not sleeping is worse than just tiredness. My bones ache. My muscles ache. My head aches. My stomach aches. That adds to my worry and gives it credence in the middle of the night. When I got married, my sleep anxieties increased and I got worried enough to talk to my doctor. She prescribed medication for the sleeping and the anxiety. Life is much better.

In fact, so much better, that I normally wouldn’t have worried about those fireworks. I’ve slept through them before. I had an appointment today and had to get up early, which kicked my anxiety into high gear, making it more difficult to relax. Not that it mattered, those fireworks were being set off about 100 yards from our house. Finally, I cancelled the appointment over the internet. That was the only way I could relax enough to sleep.

I resent being kept awake at night because someone else was thoughtless. I resent having to choose between keeping an appointment or feeling like shit all day. I hate having to think about these things when I’m so tired. I hate the feeling of letting others down when I have to cancel appointments at the last moment. Well, there was a time when I would have felt ashamed, but today I recognize that my health is just as important as the doctor’s time. In the bright light of day, I can see that there was no bad option. Either way, go or cancel, I would be taking care of my health. Instead of guilt or shame, today I choose to feel empowered.